I never thought I'd think it...

But divorce has crossed my mind this past week. Even though he didn't have an a physical affair his emotional betrayel has torn me apart. Every time his phone goes off my stomach turns and my blood pressure elevates. I want to obsessively go through this phone and computer. I think about it. Picture it. Go through it all in my head over and over again. I know many marriages have survived infedility and I wonder what their secrets are...what's the magic advice? Can you just magic it better please?

Let's Cancel

Let's cancel Valentine's Day. Let's just not acknowledge it. I scrimped and saved since Oct to get him the handgun he's been wanting for more then a year. He found out because where I ordered it from had to call him and verify some information and when he wanted to go to the class and the next day he turns a complete 180 and is an ass. What the fuck! I'm sorry but if someone does something nice for me I appreciate it. Maybe that's because people don't usually do shit for me or maybe that's how I was raised but I certainly don't pull a stunt like he did. And honestly, I just want to get rid of the gun. Now I associate it with what he did. I know he hasn't gotten me anything and I don't need a gift. Honestly we can't afford anything. So I kind of feel like its a test. Can you still make it a good day without spending money? Will he do something nice like bring me hot chocolate in bed after waking up with the dogs so I can sleep late? Because honestly, that's all I want. Just a day where I can relax a little and catch up on some sleep. And you know what? Sadly, I don't see him doing that. Maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm cynical. Maybe I'm not giving credit where credit is due. But maybe I'm going to be right. And then what?

Dogs

I've always had dogs. When I was a kid we had lots of hound dogs: bassett hounds, doxens, and a beagle once. We had a bassett hound, Lady, who played soccer with my brother and I in the backyard. She'd push the ball around with her chest and kick it with her front paws. The three of us would play until we were too tired to run and then we'd go inside. Lady would have water with ice cubes and my brother and I would have Koolaid. Once we'd had something to drink we'd go watch TV and Lady would be our pillow. She was a good dog. An annoying barker and stubborn to train but I miss her. We also had Buddy, some sort of a herding breed we'd gotten at a shelter. We grew up in rural NJ so playing outside meant playing all over the neighborhood and the neighboring neighboorhoods. Buddy went with us because he kept the group together in the woods- nobody got lost on his watch! There was also Leroy and Chauncey a pair of older bassetts my parent's had had before I was born. They were very protective of me as a baby but didn't like much when I tried to ride them as a toddler. They made a jolly pair when they sang along with my kazoo.

Now that I'm all grown up, Husband and I have 4 dogs. We got Emily in Virginia. She was at the humane society, at the time an underweight golden retriever who'd obviously been through a lot. We got here because I didn't know a soul in Virginia besides me husband and I was tired of talking to the plants in our rented condo. I didn't really want a 50lb dog but we fell in love with her and besides being truamatized she was perfect. Well trained, well mannered, housebroken, and sweet. She didn't know what the heck a dog toy was when we got here! Emily and I went everywhere together and she went from a shaking, scared dog who never wagged her tail, to a happy dog who loved to romp at the dog park. Emily and my two cats even drove the across the country together, in July, in a 2door Mustang. That's love!

When we got here we'd rented a house. Emily was lonely and missed her dog park friends so we went to the SPCA to look for another dog. We saw a few we liked and chose Betsey, a lab mix, with comically funny legs, who came bounding to you everytime she heard her name. Betsey almost went back to the shelter the next week! We loved her enthusiasm at the shelter but inside the house her constant enthusiastic tail wagging, jumping up, circle running, tail chasing, and face-licking greetings, were almost too much for us. Not to mention at 1.5 years old she wasn't housebroken. So began the task of housebreaking an adult dog. Not an easy task! Every 3 hours we went outside. I set my alarm for 1, 4, and 7 am to walk her. After 3 weeks of no progress I did the umbillical cord method. I attached her lease to me and continued the schedule. Within a week she'd started to get it. Thank goodness! She'd also started to calm down and fall into our routine. Emily stopped hiding from her!

Next we added Roger, a 15lb poodle on death row at the Pound. We got him because after my miscarriage I needed something to baby. Emily and Betsey were too big and I also wanted to save a life to honor the one that we lost. Roger is the baby I wanted. He wears clothes. He likes to be carried and coddled and cuddled. I love him to pieces but he gets a bath more frequently then I do (I shower!). A white dog in the desert is a lot of upkeep!

And finally there's Bear. We didn't set out to get another dog, certainly not an even bigger dog, but Husband knew someone who was giving him away. He was deploying soon and couldn't keep him. The SPCA was full so we would have been on death row if we didn't take him. Bear and Betsey, both black lab mixes, look a lot alike when I don't wear my glasses. The major difference is that Bear has fat legs, big paws, and weighs 25lbs more then Betsey. At 75lbs, he's the biggest dog I've ever had. He came to us housebroken and well trained but we think he may have diabetes. He goes to the vet on Mon.

More on our pack next time...

I should be a "Seen On TV" tester

Bumpits don't work! I have a ton of hair and you could still always see the barrette.

Dog snuggies also don't work. 3 tiny pieces of velcro to hold it shut?! They musta been high.

I caved

I finally broke down and bought a Bumpits. I'm sad they don't make one for redheads but the lighbrown one looks like it'll blend. I don't usually buy Infomercial stuff and definitely made fun of the commercial on more then one occasion but I was still curious. Since Husband had to work unexpectedly maybe boredom got the best of me. Today's goal: wash hair, straighten hair, and tryout bumpit. I'll let you know how it goes!

These are a few of my favorite things

I LOVE hoodies. I'd wear one everyday if I could. Even if the summer. In fact, I have a hoodie bikini- that's how much I love them! I love coffee so much that if it came in Man form I'd marry it. Sorry Husband! I adore sleeping on a bed that has newly cleaned sheets. It feels so comfy and cozy. I love my Husband. I love him so much that I married him so we could spend the rest of our lives together. I luv candles. The scented kind. I luv them sometimes too much and my living room looks like a shrine. I love that Roger, my poodle, spoons me at night. I always smile when I feel his warm body next to mine. I love that he loves to cuddle me. I love hot tubs. I love suntanning even though I know its horrible for me. I love enchilladas, strawberry sundaes, blueberries, carving pumpkins, theme parties, pink, dancing, and a good nap. I love Christmas, straight up Elfstyle. I love cake. And I love to have my cake and eat it too.

What its really like in my head

I appear to be a laidback person but in reality I'm neurotic and obsessive and anxious all on the insides of my head where most people can't see it. I fixate. I change my mind often. I stay up late worrying about things that are silly and I know they are silly. I wake up in the middle of the night because I've remembered the thing I forgot to do three days ago. My mind never stops. And want to know something else? I have a constant banter going on inside it? I talk to myself constantly. I know everyone does, and some people even do it outloud, but I feel like I do it more frequently then most people. So you're probably thinking that I'm crazy but I promise I'm not certifiably crazy. Not looney tunes. Not psycho. Not bipolar. I just have an active mind.

But the perk? I think my active mind makes me more observant. Straight up NCIS style observant, as a matter of fact!!