Scared to say...

That maybe people can change. Maybe he is one of them. He's a great Dad. I can't deny that whatsoever. He's loving, attentive, and fun. She loves him and as much as I love that sometimes I want to scream at her to stop smiling at a man who has put me through hell. No matter what I won't put her in the middle.

Now that the baby is here we can get divorced. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think he knows it too.

Guess what! All the sudden he's the man and husband I'd lost months ago. He pays attention to me...asks about my day...helps out around the house. Yes! My husband helps out without me asking! He holds me and tells me he loves me. And as much as I love him for changing I have to wonder if it's all a clever ruse...a fascade. A lie. Another mother fucking lie.

So it's day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. I might smile and seem happy in pictures but that's probably because I love my daughter more than life itself and as pissed off and broken as I still am I am also happier than I ever have been. She's my life and no matter what I will always do my best to never ever let her down.

I'm just so tired of this shit. Tired of wondering. Recently I've realized that the not knowing is keeping me from moving past it. Everytime I ask I get the same answer and I don't think I'll ever know. Not knowing sucks. Would I forgive being cheated on? I really don't know. But as of now since I really don't know what to forgive I don't know that I can move forward completely. I'll always look back.

Sometimes I think starting over would be easier. Can I be a single mother?

Proud

You know what? I'm pretty proud of myself today. I realized that going to counseling really has taught me a few things and this time when the sexting issue resurfaced I was calmer, more rational, and clearer in the head. I'm not by any means saying his actions were ok with me. What I am saying is that I've been responding rationally and much better than I did the first time and that's because of counseling.

Because of counseling, I accept and realize that Husband feels the need to sext because he is insecure about himself and that his insecurity is not my issue. I cannot control him and only how I react. If he's going to cheat then he'll find a way, cell phone or no cellphone...texts or no texts.

Because of counseling, I also accept, realize, and understand that our marriage probably will not make it if he doesn't put the effort in to work on his issues. If our marriage doesn't survive I can honestly say that I will have done everything I could have and been committed to it. I know I'll be able to walk away without a regret if the time comes since I've upheld my half of the deal.

I don't want this marriage to end; however, I will not remain in a relationship where I cannot trust my partner.

That Sarah Maclaughlin Song...

"I'm so tired and I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of something much to deep. Its funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word...we are screaming inside, oh we can't be heard."

What's that song called? Its kind of the soundtrack to my life at the moment. Every time I hear it on my iPod it feels like she's singing about my life and my situation. How could she know exactly how I'm feeling? How has anyone gotten through feeling like this song describes? Some days I wonder if I'll feel truly happy. I have things to be happy about, but true happiness, is it possible? I often wonder what it could be like to feel that type of satisfaction on such a high level.

And to quote Ariel, "how could a world with so many beautiful things be so bad?" I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be thankful of all that I am blessed with but sometimes its so hard. I often find myself forcing my mind to realize what I do have to be thankful- a daughter on the way, a roof over my head, food, clothes, a car, loving parents, a job. Rather, I've found it is so much easier to dwell on what isn't right- bills that go unpaid, a marriage that might end before our daughter comes, and the emotional distress I'm under at the moment.


Living in purgatory is cruel. On one hand I feel some sense of obligation and responsibility to stick this out. People say you have to live the lows to know the highs, right? On the other hand, I want to stop hurting so my instincts are to just leave. It has worked in the past so wouldn't it work now? Some days are ok and some moments are good. There are just as many if not more bad days and moments filled with utter sadness, rage, and betrayal. How can it be fair to live like this?

People ask how I'm doing and I smile and say that I'm ok. I feel badly for lying but I don't want to air my dirty laundry. Sometimes I want to scream out loud for the world to hear that my husband has been the biggest asshole, liar, and deserves an honorable mention as shitty husband of the year.

So if there hasn't been physical cheating yet and all the sexting was just a "mistake and error in judgement" both times (that I know of) do I stay or walk. Sam, that's the million dollar question.

I'm so tempted to just get in the car and drive away without looking back. I've clawed my way up and ran faar away from shit holes before and I know I can again...but do I this time?

How much is enough when it comes to your marriage?