Scared to say...

That maybe people can change. Maybe he is one of them. He's a great Dad. I can't deny that whatsoever. He's loving, attentive, and fun. She loves him and as much as I love that sometimes I want to scream at her to stop smiling at a man who has put me through hell. No matter what I won't put her in the middle.

Now that the baby is here we can get divorced. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think he knows it too.

Guess what! All the sudden he's the man and husband I'd lost months ago. He pays attention to me...asks about my day...helps out around the house. Yes! My husband helps out without me asking! He holds me and tells me he loves me. And as much as I love him for changing I have to wonder if it's all a clever ruse...a fascade. A lie. Another mother fucking lie.

So it's day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. I might smile and seem happy in pictures but that's probably because I love my daughter more than life itself and as pissed off and broken as I still am I am also happier than I ever have been. She's my life and no matter what I will always do my best to never ever let her down.

I'm just so tired of this shit. Tired of wondering. Recently I've realized that the not knowing is keeping me from moving past it. Everytime I ask I get the same answer and I don't think I'll ever know. Not knowing sucks. Would I forgive being cheated on? I really don't know. But as of now since I really don't know what to forgive I don't know that I can move forward completely. I'll always look back.

Sometimes I think starting over would be easier. Can I be a single mother?

Isn't it ironic..dontcha think?

Isn't it ironic that I haven't been alone for the last 9 months but I've felt more alone now than ever before. Every time I think my marriage is on mend something else happens. Now that I'm 9 months pregnant and still not 100% certain of my marriage working I feel very broken, even defeated. I'm not even kidding when I say that every time my anxiety begins to decrease and I am finally feeling comfortable the small amount of confidence I have gets shaken and I get sent back to Ground Zero. It is absolutely exhausting and even terrifying to have lived like this since Feb. I'm not terrified of my safety or anything like that....I am afraid of having to one day explain to my daughter why her father doesn't live with us.

I just don't know how much more, if anything, I have to give. I've forgiven. I've understood. I've talked, gone to counseling, prayed, meditated, hoped, and most of all tried. My faith has been shaken. My confidence is shattered. My self esteem plummeted and I've been left questioning myself, marriage, and trusting others.

Is recovery even possible?

Is change even possible?

I like to think yes but sometimes I'm not sure. The uncertainty is the worst part of the situation. He says he's never physically cheated. Do I believe him? Most of the times I do but I definitely still question. I wonder at least every few days if my husband's penis has been inside another woman and truthfully, I have a reason to wonder. How disgusting and awful is that?

Aside from the trust issue there's also the drinking issue. Most of the times there was a trust issue there was also a drinking incident that night. So I asked Husband to stop drinking. That last exactly 4 days before the next incident. After the last incident he came out and said he wasn't drinking anymore. I didn't really have much faith in him about that but he did ok for a few weeks. Then he asked if he could have a couple beers with dinner and it's been escalating. A couple beers didn't lead to an incident but it did lead to a bottle of wine a week later with a friend... and now he's out at a bar with the bar. Aw-some. Seriously.. (hear the sarcasm). It's been 6 weeks since no drinking and my blood pressure is through the roof. He asked if he could go. I said no and of course that turned into a pouty, passive aggressive, peer pressure situation and he left. He practically ran out of the door. Goddamn if that didn't hurt. I haven't been out or blown of steam since 2009 since I'm pregnant. And now I'm sitting here 9 months pregnant wondering if I go into labor if he'll be smelling like a hangover when she's born. The way he drinks if the baby comes now he'll be passed out drunk and miss it. So here I sit. 9 months pregnant, crying, and alone on the couch on a Saturday night. There's 2 more weekends before the baby's due date and it feels like he'd rather be out with friends then enjoying time with me. I'm an anxious mess. I know my blood pressure is high and I'm trying to keep myself from hysterics.

I want to have my baby already. I'm tired of hurting and I'm ready for some happiness. I now equate this pregnancy with anxiety and betrayal. How terrible!! Isn't that just sad? I mean, really, it is. It's sad that this is my truth.

Proud

You know what? I'm pretty proud of myself today. I realized that going to counseling really has taught me a few things and this time when the sexting issue resurfaced I was calmer, more rational, and clearer in the head. I'm not by any means saying his actions were ok with me. What I am saying is that I've been responding rationally and much better than I did the first time and that's because of counseling.

Because of counseling, I accept and realize that Husband feels the need to sext because he is insecure about himself and that his insecurity is not my issue. I cannot control him and only how I react. If he's going to cheat then he'll find a way, cell phone or no cellphone...texts or no texts.

Because of counseling, I also accept, realize, and understand that our marriage probably will not make it if he doesn't put the effort in to work on his issues. If our marriage doesn't survive I can honestly say that I will have done everything I could have and been committed to it. I know I'll be able to walk away without a regret if the time comes since I've upheld my half of the deal.

I don't want this marriage to end; however, I will not remain in a relationship where I cannot trust my partner.

Progress...?

We went to counseling which did help. Husband saw my raw hurt all over again and really listened to and processed the counselor's opinions on dishonesty and infidelity. Husband hadn't really connected his actions with infidelity since there was no physicality to the situation. I've been going to individual counseling to deal with my new trust issues, self esteem issues, and just to process the situation. It has really been helping. I've learned techniques to stop my anxiety when I start the "what if" thinking and most importantly I have learned that Husband's actions are related to his own self esteem issues. To be perfectly frank, I now think it's sad that he felt the need to validate himself by having that type of relationship with someone. I mean, really, when you think about it that really is sad. However, that's not my issue to conquer- that's all his!

So there's been some baby steps in progress. I'd be a huge liar if I said it was all better or that things are fine and dandy. Things aren't fine and dandy. Sometimes they are ok and sometimes they absolutely suck but we are working through it. We are trying to work on our marriage and get things together before Lima Bean arrives in Sept. I know he's trying but I still go back and forth from healing to rage/hurt/anxiousphyschobitch sometimes. I've learned to recognize what triggers a strong reaction from me in regards to remembering that situation and I try and pick and choose when I allow myself to react strongly.

So.............
It's a girl!!!! We are expecting a daughter!!! Seeing my husband with the scanner gun in Babies R Us registering for pink stuff brought joyful tears to my eyes. I know that no matter what happens he'll be a good dad and will love his baby girl to the ends of the Earth.

I started my new job and things are ok. I am well over qualified but I keep reminding myself that any job around here is a good job. I'm still not sure if I'm keeping the job after Eden/Zooey comes but I'd like to work at least part time. I'm crossing my fingers that they'll let me work part time next year..

Make it or break it

We had one of those make it or break it conversations Thursday night. I laid it out on the table and flat out said I wouldn't stick around if anything even remotely shady every happened again and if he didn't shape up quick-style that I'd leave and he could fight for joint custody in court. I asked him the questions all over again about what did and didn't happen and where he was. He was remorseful. He apologized. He cried. He told me how guilty he's been feeling. As much as I believe him, I also don't. Maybe that's because I'm hormonal or bitter but I want to believe him. In fact, I really want to believe in him again. I told him to man up, own up, and stop being a shitty husband. Me telling him he's been being a shitty husband really struck a nerve with him. I could see in his eyes that something sunk in. Maybe that's a good thing...honestly, I don't even know anymore.

I like to think I'm a forgiving person. I like to think that our marriage is strong enough to get through anything and that ultimately love conquers all. Does it?

Monday afternoon I have a meeting with a lawyer to discuss my rights to our property and stuff just in case. Seriously, its just in case. Knowledge is power and I'm not going to take this situation lightly. I also have to ask some questions about child custody and if I'll be able to take our child to another state or if I'll be stuck here forever. I feel a little guilty about going... like I'm giving or something but that isn't the case. I'm not giving up...I'm empowering myself.

Still sometimes its so hard not to physically hurt him. Or even emotionally hurt him. Being vindictive is something I contend with in general and in this situation not taking revenge is one of the hardest parts.

Its also been hard because I don't feel like I have any type of release. I can't or haven't been able to really kick back and I'm wound tighter than a spring. Usually I'd go get drinks and go dancing with girlfriends but since I don't really have friends here and can't drink that isn't going to happen. I honestly don't know how to release the anger and it scares me sometimes.