Where to Start?

There's so much to say but I don't know where to start. Actually, I don't want to start because if I write it down it makes it more real. I haven't told anyone about what's happenning and I'm not sure I'm ready to.

I'm pretty much stuck in purgatory. My marriage is at a standstill and so is my life. That job fell through and I haven't gotten another offer yet. I'm not sure my marriage is going to make it till the baby comes. I'm not sure whether to stay and try to make it work or cut my losses and leave now.

As much as I thought I'd up and leave I've known for a week and I'm still here. I've been doing lots of online research and all the "experts" say you shouldn't make an impulsive decision about your marriage. In the very least it is recommended that you contact a lawyer and get copies of all financial documents before leaving the marital home.

He says there was no physical affair, just an online fantasy. I'd tend to believe him more if I could account for his whereabouts every time he went out. I've snooped and from what I can tell she doesn't live anywhere close to here but really, how can I know for sure? I want to believe him. Me, wanting to believe him surprises me. Generally I'd be gone at the first inkling of infidelity and I can't put my finger on exactly what's keeping me. Is it my marriage vows? Is it that I'm too embarassed to go to my parents? Is it for the baby? I'm honestly not sure.

I confronted him. He apologized and seemed very remorseful that day. He's not the type to dwell on anything and his happy-go-luckyness is generally irritating but for the last week its been absolutely infuriating. I constantly want to scream at him and ask him if he's given our marriage and his actions even a second thought. But I haven't. I read three different places that after something like this you have a better chance of success if you do your crying, grieving, screaming etc etc away from the home. I've definitely been crying a lot. Everyday in fact. Sometimes I get angry. I've even thought about all the ways I could easily get revenge (but for the record haven't).

So here I sit. His baby is growing inside me and being pregnant is the only thing keeping me going. Being jobless, away from my family, and in this miserable situation is almost unbearable right now.

I've been a hermit. I only leave the house for errands. I'm cranky and passive aggressive and frankly I don't care about much else right now. I'm wrapped up in a black hole of my own personal pain with no end in sight.

How do you possibly begin to get over something like this? How is trust rebuilt? And why me? I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm terrible looking and I'm a good wife. Why the fuck did he do this to me? HOW, how the hell could he do this to me? HOW the fuck could he do this to me while I'm pregnant?

God, I'd do anything for a really tall Jack n Coke right now. I'll make do with cranberry juice and a hot shower.

I've been going to church and praying much more then I ever have. I never thought I'd be the one to turn to church when things are bad but frankly I'm not sure what else to do. Praying is really the only thing grounding me at some points during the day.

****** Please, if you know me from any forum websites please do not post any of this there. I realize I've made it public but I'm not ready to go thati public.

Yay!

I got the job I've been hoping for!!! I'm excited and nervous all at once. Getting back into the work routine is going to be hard. Husband and I are going to have to work together more on housework too. With Lima Bean on the way I'm a little worried about getting away for doc appointments and stuff but somehow its going to all have to work itself out. I'm happy to be getting out the house, feeling productive, and making money again. Being a housewife has its perks but sometimes I really missed having more and I'm really optimistic this will help me in so many ways. I'll be more confident, feel more needed, more responsible, and most importantly more in control of my life. Hopefully that leads to a better, happier me! It isn't a career but current work experience can't hurt me in my continued seach.

So now I need some new business casual clothes! I'm going to go shower and shop.