Scared to say...

That maybe people can change. Maybe he is one of them. He's a great Dad. I can't deny that whatsoever. He's loving, attentive, and fun. She loves him and as much as I love that sometimes I want to scream at her to stop smiling at a man who has put me through hell. No matter what I won't put her in the middle.

Now that the baby is here we can get divorced. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think he knows it too.

Guess what! All the sudden he's the man and husband I'd lost months ago. He pays attention to me...asks about my day...helps out around the house. Yes! My husband helps out without me asking! He holds me and tells me he loves me. And as much as I love him for changing I have to wonder if it's all a clever ruse...a fascade. A lie. Another mother fucking lie.

So it's day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. I might smile and seem happy in pictures but that's probably because I love my daughter more than life itself and as pissed off and broken as I still am I am also happier than I ever have been. She's my life and no matter what I will always do my best to never ever let her down.

I'm just so tired of this shit. Tired of wondering. Recently I've realized that the not knowing is keeping me from moving past it. Everytime I ask I get the same answer and I don't think I'll ever know. Not knowing sucks. Would I forgive being cheated on? I really don't know. But as of now since I really don't know what to forgive I don't know that I can move forward completely. I'll always look back.

Sometimes I think starting over would be easier. Can I be a single mother?

Isn't it ironic..dontcha think?

Isn't it ironic that I haven't been alone for the last 9 months but I've felt more alone now than ever before. Every time I think my marriage is on mend something else happens. Now that I'm 9 months pregnant and still not 100% certain of my marriage working I feel very broken, even defeated. I'm not even kidding when I say that every time my anxiety begins to decrease and I am finally feeling comfortable the small amount of confidence I have gets shaken and I get sent back to Ground Zero. It is absolutely exhausting and even terrifying to have lived like this since Feb. I'm not terrified of my safety or anything like that....I am afraid of having to one day explain to my daughter why her father doesn't live with us.

I just don't know how much more, if anything, I have to give. I've forgiven. I've understood. I've talked, gone to counseling, prayed, meditated, hoped, and most of all tried. My faith has been shaken. My confidence is shattered. My self esteem plummeted and I've been left questioning myself, marriage, and trusting others.

Is recovery even possible?

Is change even possible?

I like to think yes but sometimes I'm not sure. The uncertainty is the worst part of the situation. He says he's never physically cheated. Do I believe him? Most of the times I do but I definitely still question. I wonder at least every few days if my husband's penis has been inside another woman and truthfully, I have a reason to wonder. How disgusting and awful is that?

Aside from the trust issue there's also the drinking issue. Most of the times there was a trust issue there was also a drinking incident that night. So I asked Husband to stop drinking. That last exactly 4 days before the next incident. After the last incident he came out and said he wasn't drinking anymore. I didn't really have much faith in him about that but he did ok for a few weeks. Then he asked if he could have a couple beers with dinner and it's been escalating. A couple beers didn't lead to an incident but it did lead to a bottle of wine a week later with a friend... and now he's out at a bar with the bar. Aw-some. Seriously.. (hear the sarcasm). It's been 6 weeks since no drinking and my blood pressure is through the roof. He asked if he could go. I said no and of course that turned into a pouty, passive aggressive, peer pressure situation and he left. He practically ran out of the door. Goddamn if that didn't hurt. I haven't been out or blown of steam since 2009 since I'm pregnant. And now I'm sitting here 9 months pregnant wondering if I go into labor if he'll be smelling like a hangover when she's born. The way he drinks if the baby comes now he'll be passed out drunk and miss it. So here I sit. 9 months pregnant, crying, and alone on the couch on a Saturday night. There's 2 more weekends before the baby's due date and it feels like he'd rather be out with friends then enjoying time with me. I'm an anxious mess. I know my blood pressure is high and I'm trying to keep myself from hysterics.

I want to have my baby already. I'm tired of hurting and I'm ready for some happiness. I now equate this pregnancy with anxiety and betrayal. How terrible!! Isn't that just sad? I mean, really, it is. It's sad that this is my truth.

Proud

You know what? I'm pretty proud of myself today. I realized that going to counseling really has taught me a few things and this time when the sexting issue resurfaced I was calmer, more rational, and clearer in the head. I'm not by any means saying his actions were ok with me. What I am saying is that I've been responding rationally and much better than I did the first time and that's because of counseling.

Because of counseling, I accept and realize that Husband feels the need to sext because he is insecure about himself and that his insecurity is not my issue. I cannot control him and only how I react. If he's going to cheat then he'll find a way, cell phone or no cellphone...texts or no texts.

Because of counseling, I also accept, realize, and understand that our marriage probably will not make it if he doesn't put the effort in to work on his issues. If our marriage doesn't survive I can honestly say that I will have done everything I could have and been committed to it. I know I'll be able to walk away without a regret if the time comes since I've upheld my half of the deal.

I don't want this marriage to end; however, I will not remain in a relationship where I cannot trust my partner.

That Sarah Maclaughlin Song...

"I'm so tired and I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of something much to deep. Its funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word...we are screaming inside, oh we can't be heard."

What's that song called? Its kind of the soundtrack to my life at the moment. Every time I hear it on my iPod it feels like she's singing about my life and my situation. How could she know exactly how I'm feeling? How has anyone gotten through feeling like this song describes? Some days I wonder if I'll feel truly happy. I have things to be happy about, but true happiness, is it possible? I often wonder what it could be like to feel that type of satisfaction on such a high level.

And to quote Ariel, "how could a world with so many beautiful things be so bad?" I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be thankful of all that I am blessed with but sometimes its so hard. I often find myself forcing my mind to realize what I do have to be thankful- a daughter on the way, a roof over my head, food, clothes, a car, loving parents, a job. Rather, I've found it is so much easier to dwell on what isn't right- bills that go unpaid, a marriage that might end before our daughter comes, and the emotional distress I'm under at the moment.


Living in purgatory is cruel. On one hand I feel some sense of obligation and responsibility to stick this out. People say you have to live the lows to know the highs, right? On the other hand, I want to stop hurting so my instincts are to just leave. It has worked in the past so wouldn't it work now? Some days are ok and some moments are good. There are just as many if not more bad days and moments filled with utter sadness, rage, and betrayal. How can it be fair to live like this?

People ask how I'm doing and I smile and say that I'm ok. I feel badly for lying but I don't want to air my dirty laundry. Sometimes I want to scream out loud for the world to hear that my husband has been the biggest asshole, liar, and deserves an honorable mention as shitty husband of the year.

So if there hasn't been physical cheating yet and all the sexting was just a "mistake and error in judgement" both times (that I know of) do I stay or walk. Sam, that's the million dollar question.

I'm so tempted to just get in the car and drive away without looking back. I've clawed my way up and ran faar away from shit holes before and I know I can again...but do I this time?

How much is enough when it comes to your marriage?

Progress...?

We went to counseling which did help. Husband saw my raw hurt all over again and really listened to and processed the counselor's opinions on dishonesty and infidelity. Husband hadn't really connected his actions with infidelity since there was no physicality to the situation. I've been going to individual counseling to deal with my new trust issues, self esteem issues, and just to process the situation. It has really been helping. I've learned techniques to stop my anxiety when I start the "what if" thinking and most importantly I have learned that Husband's actions are related to his own self esteem issues. To be perfectly frank, I now think it's sad that he felt the need to validate himself by having that type of relationship with someone. I mean, really, when you think about it that really is sad. However, that's not my issue to conquer- that's all his!

So there's been some baby steps in progress. I'd be a huge liar if I said it was all better or that things are fine and dandy. Things aren't fine and dandy. Sometimes they are ok and sometimes they absolutely suck but we are working through it. We are trying to work on our marriage and get things together before Lima Bean arrives in Sept. I know he's trying but I still go back and forth from healing to rage/hurt/anxiousphyschobitch sometimes. I've learned to recognize what triggers a strong reaction from me in regards to remembering that situation and I try and pick and choose when I allow myself to react strongly.

So.............
It's a girl!!!! We are expecting a daughter!!! Seeing my husband with the scanner gun in Babies R Us registering for pink stuff brought joyful tears to my eyes. I know that no matter what happens he'll be a good dad and will love his baby girl to the ends of the Earth.

I started my new job and things are ok. I am well over qualified but I keep reminding myself that any job around here is a good job. I'm still not sure if I'm keeping the job after Eden/Zooey comes but I'd like to work at least part time. I'm crossing my fingers that they'll let me work part time next year..

I'm strong..............?

It has been said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If that's the case then I must be as tough as Iron Man or the Incredible Hulk. And if that's the case then why don't I feel strong? I keep telling myself that you have to feel the lows to enjoy and appreciate the highs but riding out this low is like paddling a rowboat a broken paddle upstream. Everytime I make a little progress I get pushed back.

Tomorrow we are going to marriage counseling. Husband has the day off and has agreed to go. Hopefully he doesn't change his mind. Hopefully it is the new start that we need. Hopefully I can find some hope, optimism, positivity, and a dash of goodluck somewhere sometime soon.

Epic Fail Sex

2 nights ago we had epic fail sex. I was definitely feeling the urge in that department and thought I'd try and spice things up. I put on a cute lingerie set and was looking at myself in disgust because it made me look fat. I didn't look pregnant just pudgy and it immediately ruined the mood for me but there he was. I told him I was just about to take the outfit off and he didn't say anything. He didn't say he liked it and he didn't try to stop me. He didn't come for me in that carnal way lingerie usually does. In fact he just laid on the bed. I felt stupid and was trying not to cry so I laid down on the bed facing away from him. Finally I just sat up and said "I feel stupid and ridiculous. I feel like I look fat and you aren't even reaching for me." He replied that me saying he was going to take the outfit off was a turn off. We went back and forth bickering and finally we were both silent. A few minutes went by and he reached for me. Everything else melted away and I just got into it. Five minutes into it he finished and left me hanging. Literally got me all excited and didn't finish the job. He didn't apologize or anything. I took the coldest shower in the world and cried till there was nothing left.

The next day I tried my very best to put it behind me as an epic sex fail. We haven't had many so I just chalked it up to a bad night and went on my way. The next night I jokingly told him that he owed me for the night before and he looked at me like I was nuts. I made a move for him and got the whole "Its 11 and I'm working tomorrow so I wake up at 5:30." All I could think is what the hell?! I'd been waiting for him all night to come to me and make up for the bad sex the night before and he didn't. So now I'm just over it. Honestly the last 2 months of my life has made me wish I'd gone the lesbien route.

Good lord. What next?

So the plumber is in my laundry room using some huge snake thing to get at the clog in the drain pipe from my washing machine. He's muttering and cursing and there's water everywhere and I'm hoping it isn't more then a clog. At this point nothing would surprise me and I might as well get used to the fact that I'm going to have to whore myself on the corner to get us out of the financial mess we are in. K, I'm kidding about the whoring myself thing. Well, I'm kidding for now. We'll see how this plumbing issue works out.

Husband and I have been trying to plan our baby shower. I keep telling him how important it is to me that it be a special occasion. See, not many (if any) of our milestones have been celebrated. We didn't have a real wedding, didn't have a honeymoon, no housewarming party when we bought our house, Husband's birthday wasn't really celebrated because we ere broke, my birthday wasn't celebrated because we moved the day after, our first anniversary was a disaster because it was so close to D Day... you get the idea! So I want it to be special. I want to celebrate our milestone and the expansion of our family. I keep telling DH that I don't care much about spending a ton on cutesy decorations and stuff. I'd like a simple BBQ with a cake trimmed in pink or blue since we'll know the sex by then. I want to gather all our friends together and enjoy the company and weather and all that jazz. Husband seriously asked where the beer pong table was going. I almost peed my pants in frustration. I don't think, and think many other people would agree, that baby showers and beer pong go together. I'm not trying to paint my husband as an immature frat guy because he certainly isn't but that's what beer pong makes people think! I told him why I didn't want beer pong and this and that and he says "Well, I'm just the father. I guess my opinion doesn't matter." What. The. Fuck. If he continues to be like this I don't even want a shower. Maybe I'm being bitchy but I don't care. And honestly, I don't think I'm being bitchy either.

Ok good, I don't have to become a hooker yet. The plumber is done and it was just a clog.

Lately I've been lashing out a lot. I know its because I feel very fragile and everytime one little thing goes wrong I snap. We've been bickering 1000000x more then we used to. The constant arguing is seriously grating on both of our nerves and its taking its toll mentally.

On Monday I went to marriage counseling. Alone. He couldn't get the day off. Some of the things the counselor said really made sense to me. Hopefully she'll be able to help us. This weekend we are going on a date which I think is very much needed. The last time we went out it was our wedding anniversary and it started ok but the end was a disaster. We need to get back on track if this is every going to work.

Speaking of, still no decisions on that end. The lawyer I saw was helpful and told me my rights. Some of it is good and some of it was bad but at least I know now what to expect should the marriage end.

At this point I don't want the marriage to end. Of course if you ask me in five minutes I might change my mind. All I know is that I'm trying my absolute best. I hope he is too but sometimes I have to wonder.

I want to feel appreciated and valued. I want to feel like # 1 occasionally. I don't think these things are too much for a wife to ask her husband. I need my needs met. These are all things we've been talking about. Some of the most difficult conversations of my life have happened recently. I wish things were easier but I keep trying to tell myself that you have to feel the lows to recognize the highs in a marriage. Maybe I'm a fool but at least I'll know what true commitment feels like.

No matter there is a beautiful, sweet baby growing inside me and I'll always have him or her and the memory of his/her creation.

Make it or break it

We had one of those make it or break it conversations Thursday night. I laid it out on the table and flat out said I wouldn't stick around if anything even remotely shady every happened again and if he didn't shape up quick-style that I'd leave and he could fight for joint custody in court. I asked him the questions all over again about what did and didn't happen and where he was. He was remorseful. He apologized. He cried. He told me how guilty he's been feeling. As much as I believe him, I also don't. Maybe that's because I'm hormonal or bitter but I want to believe him. In fact, I really want to believe in him again. I told him to man up, own up, and stop being a shitty husband. Me telling him he's been being a shitty husband really struck a nerve with him. I could see in his eyes that something sunk in. Maybe that's a good thing...honestly, I don't even know anymore.

I like to think I'm a forgiving person. I like to think that our marriage is strong enough to get through anything and that ultimately love conquers all. Does it?

Monday afternoon I have a meeting with a lawyer to discuss my rights to our property and stuff just in case. Seriously, its just in case. Knowledge is power and I'm not going to take this situation lightly. I also have to ask some questions about child custody and if I'll be able to take our child to another state or if I'll be stuck here forever. I feel a little guilty about going... like I'm giving or something but that isn't the case. I'm not giving up...I'm empowering myself.

Still sometimes its so hard not to physically hurt him. Or even emotionally hurt him. Being vindictive is something I contend with in general and in this situation not taking revenge is one of the hardest parts.

Its also been hard because I don't feel like I have any type of release. I can't or haven't been able to really kick back and I'm wound tighter than a spring. Usually I'd go get drinks and go dancing with girlfriends but since I don't really have friends here and can't drink that isn't going to happen. I honestly don't know how to release the anger and it scares me sometimes.

Where to Start?

There's so much to say but I don't know where to start. Actually, I don't want to start because if I write it down it makes it more real. I haven't told anyone about what's happenning and I'm not sure I'm ready to.

I'm pretty much stuck in purgatory. My marriage is at a standstill and so is my life. That job fell through and I haven't gotten another offer yet. I'm not sure my marriage is going to make it till the baby comes. I'm not sure whether to stay and try to make it work or cut my losses and leave now.

As much as I thought I'd up and leave I've known for a week and I'm still here. I've been doing lots of online research and all the "experts" say you shouldn't make an impulsive decision about your marriage. In the very least it is recommended that you contact a lawyer and get copies of all financial documents before leaving the marital home.

He says there was no physical affair, just an online fantasy. I'd tend to believe him more if I could account for his whereabouts every time he went out. I've snooped and from what I can tell she doesn't live anywhere close to here but really, how can I know for sure? I want to believe him. Me, wanting to believe him surprises me. Generally I'd be gone at the first inkling of infidelity and I can't put my finger on exactly what's keeping me. Is it my marriage vows? Is it that I'm too embarassed to go to my parents? Is it for the baby? I'm honestly not sure.

I confronted him. He apologized and seemed very remorseful that day. He's not the type to dwell on anything and his happy-go-luckyness is generally irritating but for the last week its been absolutely infuriating. I constantly want to scream at him and ask him if he's given our marriage and his actions even a second thought. But I haven't. I read three different places that after something like this you have a better chance of success if you do your crying, grieving, screaming etc etc away from the home. I've definitely been crying a lot. Everyday in fact. Sometimes I get angry. I've even thought about all the ways I could easily get revenge (but for the record haven't).

So here I sit. His baby is growing inside me and being pregnant is the only thing keeping me going. Being jobless, away from my family, and in this miserable situation is almost unbearable right now.

I've been a hermit. I only leave the house for errands. I'm cranky and passive aggressive and frankly I don't care about much else right now. I'm wrapped up in a black hole of my own personal pain with no end in sight.

How do you possibly begin to get over something like this? How is trust rebuilt? And why me? I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm terrible looking and I'm a good wife. Why the fuck did he do this to me? HOW, how the hell could he do this to me? HOW the fuck could he do this to me while I'm pregnant?

God, I'd do anything for a really tall Jack n Coke right now. I'll make do with cranberry juice and a hot shower.

I've been going to church and praying much more then I ever have. I never thought I'd be the one to turn to church when things are bad but frankly I'm not sure what else to do. Praying is really the only thing grounding me at some points during the day.

****** Please, if you know me from any forum websites please do not post any of this there. I realize I've made it public but I'm not ready to go thati public.

Yay!

I got the job I've been hoping for!!! I'm excited and nervous all at once. Getting back into the work routine is going to be hard. Husband and I are going to have to work together more on housework too. With Lima Bean on the way I'm a little worried about getting away for doc appointments and stuff but somehow its going to all have to work itself out. I'm happy to be getting out the house, feeling productive, and making money again. Being a housewife has its perks but sometimes I really missed having more and I'm really optimistic this will help me in so many ways. I'll be more confident, feel more needed, more responsible, and most importantly more in control of my life. Hopefully that leads to a better, happier me! It isn't a career but current work experience can't hurt me in my continued seach.

So now I need some new business casual clothes! I'm going to go shower and shop.

I never thought I'd think it...

But divorce has crossed my mind this past week. Even though he didn't have an a physical affair his emotional betrayel has torn me apart. Every time his phone goes off my stomach turns and my blood pressure elevates. I want to obsessively go through this phone and computer. I think about it. Picture it. Go through it all in my head over and over again. I know many marriages have survived infedility and I wonder what their secrets are...what's the magic advice? Can you just magic it better please?

Let's Cancel

Let's cancel Valentine's Day. Let's just not acknowledge it. I scrimped and saved since Oct to get him the handgun he's been wanting for more then a year. He found out because where I ordered it from had to call him and verify some information and when he wanted to go to the class and the next day he turns a complete 180 and is an ass. What the fuck! I'm sorry but if someone does something nice for me I appreciate it. Maybe that's because people don't usually do shit for me or maybe that's how I was raised but I certainly don't pull a stunt like he did. And honestly, I just want to get rid of the gun. Now I associate it with what he did. I know he hasn't gotten me anything and I don't need a gift. Honestly we can't afford anything. So I kind of feel like its a test. Can you still make it a good day without spending money? Will he do something nice like bring me hot chocolate in bed after waking up with the dogs so I can sleep late? Because honestly, that's all I want. Just a day where I can relax a little and catch up on some sleep. And you know what? Sadly, I don't see him doing that. Maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm cynical. Maybe I'm not giving credit where credit is due. But maybe I'm going to be right. And then what?

Dogs

I've always had dogs. When I was a kid we had lots of hound dogs: bassett hounds, doxens, and a beagle once. We had a bassett hound, Lady, who played soccer with my brother and I in the backyard. She'd push the ball around with her chest and kick it with her front paws. The three of us would play until we were too tired to run and then we'd go inside. Lady would have water with ice cubes and my brother and I would have Koolaid. Once we'd had something to drink we'd go watch TV and Lady would be our pillow. She was a good dog. An annoying barker and stubborn to train but I miss her. We also had Buddy, some sort of a herding breed we'd gotten at a shelter. We grew up in rural NJ so playing outside meant playing all over the neighborhood and the neighboring neighboorhoods. Buddy went with us because he kept the group together in the woods- nobody got lost on his watch! There was also Leroy and Chauncey a pair of older bassetts my parent's had had before I was born. They were very protective of me as a baby but didn't like much when I tried to ride them as a toddler. They made a jolly pair when they sang along with my kazoo.

Now that I'm all grown up, Husband and I have 4 dogs. We got Emily in Virginia. She was at the humane society, at the time an underweight golden retriever who'd obviously been through a lot. We got here because I didn't know a soul in Virginia besides me husband and I was tired of talking to the plants in our rented condo. I didn't really want a 50lb dog but we fell in love with her and besides being truamatized she was perfect. Well trained, well mannered, housebroken, and sweet. She didn't know what the heck a dog toy was when we got here! Emily and I went everywhere together and she went from a shaking, scared dog who never wagged her tail, to a happy dog who loved to romp at the dog park. Emily and my two cats even drove the across the country together, in July, in a 2door Mustang. That's love!

When we got here we'd rented a house. Emily was lonely and missed her dog park friends so we went to the SPCA to look for another dog. We saw a few we liked and chose Betsey, a lab mix, with comically funny legs, who came bounding to you everytime she heard her name. Betsey almost went back to the shelter the next week! We loved her enthusiasm at the shelter but inside the house her constant enthusiastic tail wagging, jumping up, circle running, tail chasing, and face-licking greetings, were almost too much for us. Not to mention at 1.5 years old she wasn't housebroken. So began the task of housebreaking an adult dog. Not an easy task! Every 3 hours we went outside. I set my alarm for 1, 4, and 7 am to walk her. After 3 weeks of no progress I did the umbillical cord method. I attached her lease to me and continued the schedule. Within a week she'd started to get it. Thank goodness! She'd also started to calm down and fall into our routine. Emily stopped hiding from her!

Next we added Roger, a 15lb poodle on death row at the Pound. We got him because after my miscarriage I needed something to baby. Emily and Betsey were too big and I also wanted to save a life to honor the one that we lost. Roger is the baby I wanted. He wears clothes. He likes to be carried and coddled and cuddled. I love him to pieces but he gets a bath more frequently then I do (I shower!). A white dog in the desert is a lot of upkeep!

And finally there's Bear. We didn't set out to get another dog, certainly not an even bigger dog, but Husband knew someone who was giving him away. He was deploying soon and couldn't keep him. The SPCA was full so we would have been on death row if we didn't take him. Bear and Betsey, both black lab mixes, look a lot alike when I don't wear my glasses. The major difference is that Bear has fat legs, big paws, and weighs 25lbs more then Betsey. At 75lbs, he's the biggest dog I've ever had. He came to us housebroken and well trained but we think he may have diabetes. He goes to the vet on Mon.

More on our pack next time...

I should be a "Seen On TV" tester

Bumpits don't work! I have a ton of hair and you could still always see the barrette.

Dog snuggies also don't work. 3 tiny pieces of velcro to hold it shut?! They musta been high.

I caved

I finally broke down and bought a Bumpits. I'm sad they don't make one for redheads but the lighbrown one looks like it'll blend. I don't usually buy Infomercial stuff and definitely made fun of the commercial on more then one occasion but I was still curious. Since Husband had to work unexpectedly maybe boredom got the best of me. Today's goal: wash hair, straighten hair, and tryout bumpit. I'll let you know how it goes!

These are a few of my favorite things

I LOVE hoodies. I'd wear one everyday if I could. Even if the summer. In fact, I have a hoodie bikini- that's how much I love them! I love coffee so much that if it came in Man form I'd marry it. Sorry Husband! I adore sleeping on a bed that has newly cleaned sheets. It feels so comfy and cozy. I love my Husband. I love him so much that I married him so we could spend the rest of our lives together. I luv candles. The scented kind. I luv them sometimes too much and my living room looks like a shrine. I love that Roger, my poodle, spoons me at night. I always smile when I feel his warm body next to mine. I love that he loves to cuddle me. I love hot tubs. I love suntanning even though I know its horrible for me. I love enchilladas, strawberry sundaes, blueberries, carving pumpkins, theme parties, pink, dancing, and a good nap. I love Christmas, straight up Elfstyle. I love cake. And I love to have my cake and eat it too.