Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Scared to say...

That maybe people can change. Maybe he is one of them. He's a great Dad. I can't deny that whatsoever. He's loving, attentive, and fun. She loves him and as much as I love that sometimes I want to scream at her to stop smiling at a man who has put me through hell. No matter what I won't put her in the middle.

Now that the baby is here we can get divorced. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think he knows it too.

Guess what! All the sudden he's the man and husband I'd lost months ago. He pays attention to me...asks about my day...helps out around the house. Yes! My husband helps out without me asking! He holds me and tells me he loves me. And as much as I love him for changing I have to wonder if it's all a clever ruse...a fascade. A lie. Another mother fucking lie.

So it's day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. I might smile and seem happy in pictures but that's probably because I love my daughter more than life itself and as pissed off and broken as I still am I am also happier than I ever have been. She's my life and no matter what I will always do my best to never ever let her down.

I'm just so tired of this shit. Tired of wondering. Recently I've realized that the not knowing is keeping me from moving past it. Everytime I ask I get the same answer and I don't think I'll ever know. Not knowing sucks. Would I forgive being cheated on? I really don't know. But as of now since I really don't know what to forgive I don't know that I can move forward completely. I'll always look back.

Sometimes I think starting over would be easier. Can I be a single mother?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Isn't it ironic..dontcha think?

Isn't it ironic that I haven't been alone for the last 9 months but I've felt more alone now than ever before. Every time I think my marriage is on mend something else happens. Now that I'm 9 months pregnant and still not 100% certain of my marriage working I feel very broken, even defeated. I'm not even kidding when I say that every time my anxiety begins to decrease and I am finally feeling comfortable the small amount of confidence I have gets shaken and I get sent back to Ground Zero. It is absolutely exhausting and even terrifying to have lived like this since Feb. I'm not terrified of my safety or anything like that....I am afraid of having to one day explain to my daughter why her father doesn't live with us.

I just don't know how much more, if anything, I have to give. I've forgiven. I've understood. I've talked, gone to counseling, prayed, meditated, hoped, and most of all tried. My faith has been shaken. My confidence is shattered. My self esteem plummeted and I've been left questioning myself, marriage, and trusting others.

Is recovery even possible?

Is change even possible?

I like to think yes but sometimes I'm not sure. The uncertainty is the worst part of the situation. He says he's never physically cheated. Do I believe him? Most of the times I do but I definitely still question. I wonder at least every few days if my husband's penis has been inside another woman and truthfully, I have a reason to wonder. How disgusting and awful is that?

Aside from the trust issue there's also the drinking issue. Most of the times there was a trust issue there was also a drinking incident that night. So I asked Husband to stop drinking. That last exactly 4 days before the next incident. After the last incident he came out and said he wasn't drinking anymore. I didn't really have much faith in him about that but he did ok for a few weeks. Then he asked if he could have a couple beers with dinner and it's been escalating. A couple beers didn't lead to an incident but it did lead to a bottle of wine a week later with a friend... and now he's out at a bar with the bar. Aw-some. Seriously.. (hear the sarcasm). It's been 6 weeks since no drinking and my blood pressure is through the roof. He asked if he could go. I said no and of course that turned into a pouty, passive aggressive, peer pressure situation and he left. He practically ran out of the door. Goddamn if that didn't hurt. I haven't been out or blown of steam since 2009 since I'm pregnant. And now I'm sitting here 9 months pregnant wondering if I go into labor if he'll be smelling like a hangover when she's born. The way he drinks if the baby comes now he'll be passed out drunk and miss it. So here I sit. 9 months pregnant, crying, and alone on the couch on a Saturday night. There's 2 more weekends before the baby's due date and it feels like he'd rather be out with friends then enjoying time with me. I'm an anxious mess. I know my blood pressure is high and I'm trying to keep myself from hysterics.

I want to have my baby already. I'm tired of hurting and I'm ready for some happiness. I now equate this pregnancy with anxiety and betrayal. How terrible!! Isn't that just sad? I mean, really, it is. It's sad that this is my truth.

Monday, June 7, 2010


You know what? I'm pretty proud of myself today. I realized that going to counseling really has taught me a few things and this time when the sexting issue resurfaced I was calmer, more rational, and clearer in the head. I'm not by any means saying his actions were ok with me. What I am saying is that I've been responding rationally and much better than I did the first time and that's because of counseling.

Because of counseling, I accept and realize that Husband feels the need to sext because he is insecure about himself and that his insecurity is not my issue. I cannot control him and only how I react. If he's going to cheat then he'll find a way, cell phone or no cellphone...texts or no texts.

Because of counseling, I also accept, realize, and understand that our marriage probably will not make it if he doesn't put the effort in to work on his issues. If our marriage doesn't survive I can honestly say that I will have done everything I could have and been committed to it. I know I'll be able to walk away without a regret if the time comes since I've upheld my half of the deal.

I don't want this marriage to end; however, I will not remain in a relationship where I cannot trust my partner.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

That Sarah Maclaughlin Song...

"I'm so tired and I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of something much to deep. Its funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word...we are screaming inside, oh we can't be heard."

What's that song called? Its kind of the soundtrack to my life at the moment. Every time I hear it on my iPod it feels like she's singing about my life and my situation. How could she know exactly how I'm feeling? How has anyone gotten through feeling like this song describes? Some days I wonder if I'll feel truly happy. I have things to be happy about, but true happiness, is it possible? I often wonder what it could be like to feel that type of satisfaction on such a high level.

And to quote Ariel, "how could a world with so many beautiful things be so bad?" I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be thankful of all that I am blessed with but sometimes its so hard. I often find myself forcing my mind to realize what I do have to be thankful- a daughter on the way, a roof over my head, food, clothes, a car, loving parents, a job. Rather, I've found it is so much easier to dwell on what isn't right- bills that go unpaid, a marriage that might end before our daughter comes, and the emotional distress I'm under at the moment.

Living in purgatory is cruel. On one hand I feel some sense of obligation and responsibility to stick this out. People say you have to live the lows to know the highs, right? On the other hand, I want to stop hurting so my instincts are to just leave. It has worked in the past so wouldn't it work now? Some days are ok and some moments are good. There are just as many if not more bad days and moments filled with utter sadness, rage, and betrayal. How can it be fair to live like this?

People ask how I'm doing and I smile and say that I'm ok. I feel badly for lying but I don't want to air my dirty laundry. Sometimes I want to scream out loud for the world to hear that my husband has been the biggest asshole, liar, and deserves an honorable mention as shitty husband of the year.

So if there hasn't been physical cheating yet and all the sexting was just a "mistake and error in judgement" both times (that I know of) do I stay or walk. Sam, that's the million dollar question.

I'm so tempted to just get in the car and drive away without looking back. I've clawed my way up and ran faar away from shit holes before and I know I can again...but do I this time?

How much is enough when it comes to your marriage?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


We went to counseling which did help. Husband saw my raw hurt all over again and really listened to and processed the counselor's opinions on dishonesty and infidelity. Husband hadn't really connected his actions with infidelity since there was no physicality to the situation. I've been going to individual counseling to deal with my new trust issues, self esteem issues, and just to process the situation. It has really been helping. I've learned techniques to stop my anxiety when I start the "what if" thinking and most importantly I have learned that Husband's actions are related to his own self esteem issues. To be perfectly frank, I now think it's sad that he felt the need to validate himself by having that type of relationship with someone. I mean, really, when you think about it that really is sad. However, that's not my issue to conquer- that's all his!

So there's been some baby steps in progress. I'd be a huge liar if I said it was all better or that things are fine and dandy. Things aren't fine and dandy. Sometimes they are ok and sometimes they absolutely suck but we are working through it. We are trying to work on our marriage and get things together before Lima Bean arrives in Sept. I know he's trying but I still go back and forth from healing to rage/hurt/anxiousphyschobitch sometimes. I've learned to recognize what triggers a strong reaction from me in regards to remembering that situation and I try and pick and choose when I allow myself to react strongly.

It's a girl!!!! We are expecting a daughter!!! Seeing my husband with the scanner gun in Babies R Us registering for pink stuff brought joyful tears to my eyes. I know that no matter what happens he'll be a good dad and will love his baby girl to the ends of the Earth.

I started my new job and things are ok. I am well over qualified but I keep reminding myself that any job around here is a good job. I'm still not sure if I'm keeping the job after Eden/Zooey comes but I'd like to work at least part time. I'm crossing my fingers that they'll let me work part time next year..

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm strong..............?

It has been said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If that's the case then I must be as tough as Iron Man or the Incredible Hulk. And if that's the case then why don't I feel strong? I keep telling myself that you have to feel the lows to enjoy and appreciate the highs but riding out this low is like paddling a rowboat a broken paddle upstream. Everytime I make a little progress I get pushed back.

Tomorrow we are going to marriage counseling. Husband has the day off and has agreed to go. Hopefully he doesn't change his mind. Hopefully it is the new start that we need. Hopefully I can find some hope, optimism, positivity, and a dash of goodluck somewhere sometime soon.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Epic Fail Sex

2 nights ago we had epic fail sex. I was definitely feeling the urge in that department and thought I'd try and spice things up. I put on a cute lingerie set and was looking at myself in disgust because it made me look fat. I didn't look pregnant just pudgy and it immediately ruined the mood for me but there he was. I told him I was just about to take the outfit off and he didn't say anything. He didn't say he liked it and he didn't try to stop me. He didn't come for me in that carnal way lingerie usually does. In fact he just laid on the bed. I felt stupid and was trying not to cry so I laid down on the bed facing away from him. Finally I just sat up and said "I feel stupid and ridiculous. I feel like I look fat and you aren't even reaching for me." He replied that me saying he was going to take the outfit off was a turn off. We went back and forth bickering and finally we were both silent. A few minutes went by and he reached for me. Everything else melted away and I just got into it. Five minutes into it he finished and left me hanging. Literally got me all excited and didn't finish the job. He didn't apologize or anything. I took the coldest shower in the world and cried till there was nothing left.

The next day I tried my very best to put it behind me as an epic sex fail. We haven't had many so I just chalked it up to a bad night and went on my way. The next night I jokingly told him that he owed me for the night before and he looked at me like I was nuts. I made a move for him and got the whole "Its 11 and I'm working tomorrow so I wake up at 5:30." All I could think is what the hell?! I'd been waiting for him all night to come to me and make up for the bad sex the night before and he didn't. So now I'm just over it. Honestly the last 2 months of my life has made me wish I'd gone the lesbien route.