Isn't it ironic..dontcha think?

Isn't it ironic that I haven't been alone for the last 9 months but I've felt more alone now than ever before. Every time I think my marriage is on mend something else happens. Now that I'm 9 months pregnant and still not 100% certain of my marriage working I feel very broken, even defeated. I'm not even kidding when I say that every time my anxiety begins to decrease and I am finally feeling comfortable the small amount of confidence I have gets shaken and I get sent back to Ground Zero. It is absolutely exhausting and even terrifying to have lived like this since Feb. I'm not terrified of my safety or anything like that....I am afraid of having to one day explain to my daughter why her father doesn't live with us.

I just don't know how much more, if anything, I have to give. I've forgiven. I've understood. I've talked, gone to counseling, prayed, meditated, hoped, and most of all tried. My faith has been shaken. My confidence is shattered. My self esteem plummeted and I've been left questioning myself, marriage, and trusting others.

Is recovery even possible?

Is change even possible?

I like to think yes but sometimes I'm not sure. The uncertainty is the worst part of the situation. He says he's never physically cheated. Do I believe him? Most of the times I do but I definitely still question. I wonder at least every few days if my husband's penis has been inside another woman and truthfully, I have a reason to wonder. How disgusting and awful is that?

Aside from the trust issue there's also the drinking issue. Most of the times there was a trust issue there was also a drinking incident that night. So I asked Husband to stop drinking. That last exactly 4 days before the next incident. After the last incident he came out and said he wasn't drinking anymore. I didn't really have much faith in him about that but he did ok for a few weeks. Then he asked if he could have a couple beers with dinner and it's been escalating. A couple beers didn't lead to an incident but it did lead to a bottle of wine a week later with a friend... and now he's out at a bar with the bar. Aw-some. Seriously.. (hear the sarcasm). It's been 6 weeks since no drinking and my blood pressure is through the roof. He asked if he could go. I said no and of course that turned into a pouty, passive aggressive, peer pressure situation and he left. He practically ran out of the door. Goddamn if that didn't hurt. I haven't been out or blown of steam since 2009 since I'm pregnant. And now I'm sitting here 9 months pregnant wondering if I go into labor if he'll be smelling like a hangover when she's born. The way he drinks if the baby comes now he'll be passed out drunk and miss it. So here I sit. 9 months pregnant, crying, and alone on the couch on a Saturday night. There's 2 more weekends before the baby's due date and it feels like he'd rather be out with friends then enjoying time with me. I'm an anxious mess. I know my blood pressure is high and I'm trying to keep myself from hysterics.

I want to have my baby already. I'm tired of hurting and I'm ready for some happiness. I now equate this pregnancy with anxiety and betrayal. How terrible!! Isn't that just sad? I mean, really, it is. It's sad that this is my truth.