Scared to say...

That maybe people can change. Maybe he is one of them. He's a great Dad. I can't deny that whatsoever. He's loving, attentive, and fun. She loves him and as much as I love that sometimes I want to scream at her to stop smiling at a man who has put me through hell. No matter what I won't put her in the middle.

Now that the baby is here we can get divorced. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think he knows it too.

Guess what! All the sudden he's the man and husband I'd lost months ago. He pays attention to me...asks about my day...helps out around the house. Yes! My husband helps out without me asking! He holds me and tells me he loves me. And as much as I love him for changing I have to wonder if it's all a clever ruse...a fascade. A lie. Another mother fucking lie.

So it's day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. I might smile and seem happy in pictures but that's probably because I love my daughter more than life itself and as pissed off and broken as I still am I am also happier than I ever have been. She's my life and no matter what I will always do my best to never ever let her down.

I'm just so tired of this shit. Tired of wondering. Recently I've realized that the not knowing is keeping me from moving past it. Everytime I ask I get the same answer and I don't think I'll ever know. Not knowing sucks. Would I forgive being cheated on? I really don't know. But as of now since I really don't know what to forgive I don't know that I can move forward completely. I'll always look back.

Sometimes I think starting over would be easier. Can I be a single mother?