"I'm so tired and I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of something much to deep. Its funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word...we are screaming inside, oh we can't be heard."
What's that song called? Its kind of the soundtrack to my life at the moment. Every time I hear it on my iPod it feels like she's singing about my life and my situation. How could she know exactly how I'm feeling? How has anyone gotten through feeling like this song describes? Some days I wonder if I'll feel truly happy. I have things to be happy about, but true happiness, is it possible? I often wonder what it could be like to feel that type of satisfaction on such a high level.
And to quote Ariel, "how could a world with so many beautiful things be so bad?" I'm trying so hard to stay positive and be thankful of all that I am blessed with but sometimes its so hard. I often find myself forcing my mind to realize what I do have to be thankful- a daughter on the way, a roof over my head, food, clothes, a car, loving parents, a job. Rather, I've found it is so much easier to dwell on what isn't right- bills that go unpaid, a marriage that might end before our daughter comes, and the emotional distress I'm under at the moment.
Living in purgatory is cruel. On one hand I feel some sense of obligation and responsibility to stick this out. People say you have to live the lows to know the highs, right? On the other hand, I want to stop hurting so my instincts are to just leave. It has worked in the past so wouldn't it work now? Some days are ok and some moments are good. There are just as many if not more bad days and moments filled with utter sadness, rage, and betrayal. How can it be fair to live like this?
People ask how I'm doing and I smile and say that I'm ok. I feel badly for lying but I don't want to air my dirty laundry. Sometimes I want to scream out loud for the world to hear that my husband has been the biggest asshole, liar, and deserves an honorable mention as shitty husband of the year.
So if there hasn't been physical cheating yet and all the sexting was just a "mistake and error in judgement" both times (that I know of) do I stay or walk. Sam, that's the million dollar question.
I'm so tempted to just get in the car and drive away without looking back. I've clawed my way up and ran faar away from shit holes before and I know I can again...but do I this time?
How much is enough when it comes to your marriage?
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