It has been said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If that's the case then I must be as tough as Iron Man or the Incredible Hulk. And if that's the case then why don't I feel strong? I keep telling myself that you have to feel the lows to enjoy and appreciate the highs but riding out this low is like paddling a rowboat a broken paddle upstream. Everytime I make a little progress I get pushed back.
Tomorrow we are going to marriage counseling. Husband has the day off and has agreed to go. Hopefully he doesn't change his mind. Hopefully it is the new start that we need. Hopefully I can find some hope, optimism, positivity, and a dash of goodluck somewhere sometime soon.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Epic Fail Sex
2 nights ago we had epic fail sex. I was definitely feeling the urge in that department and thought I'd try and spice things up. I put on a cute lingerie set and was looking at myself in disgust because it made me look fat. I didn't look pregnant just pudgy and it immediately ruined the mood for me but there he was. I told him I was just about to take the outfit off and he didn't say anything. He didn't say he liked it and he didn't try to stop me. He didn't come for me in that carnal way lingerie usually does. In fact he just laid on the bed. I felt stupid and was trying not to cry so I laid down on the bed facing away from him. Finally I just sat up and said "I feel stupid and ridiculous. I feel like I look fat and you aren't even reaching for me." He replied that me saying he was going to take the outfit off was a turn off. We went back and forth bickering and finally we were both silent. A few minutes went by and he reached for me. Everything else melted away and I just got into it. Five minutes into it he finished and left me hanging. Literally got me all excited and didn't finish the job. He didn't apologize or anything. I took the coldest shower in the world and cried till there was nothing left.
The next day I tried my very best to put it behind me as an epic sex fail. We haven't had many so I just chalked it up to a bad night and went on my way. The next night I jokingly told him that he owed me for the night before and he looked at me like I was nuts. I made a move for him and got the whole "Its 11 and I'm working tomorrow so I wake up at 5:30." All I could think is what the hell?! I'd been waiting for him all night to come to me and make up for the bad sex the night before and he didn't. So now I'm just over it. Honestly the last 2 months of my life has made me wish I'd gone the lesbien route.
The next day I tried my very best to put it behind me as an epic sex fail. We haven't had many so I just chalked it up to a bad night and went on my way. The next night I jokingly told him that he owed me for the night before and he looked at me like I was nuts. I made a move for him and got the whole "Its 11 and I'm working tomorrow so I wake up at 5:30." All I could think is what the hell?! I'd been waiting for him all night to come to me and make up for the bad sex the night before and he didn't. So now I'm just over it. Honestly the last 2 months of my life has made me wish I'd gone the lesbien route.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Good lord. What next?
So the plumber is in my laundry room using some huge snake thing to get at the clog in the drain pipe from my washing machine. He's muttering and cursing and there's water everywhere and I'm hoping it isn't more then a clog. At this point nothing would surprise me and I might as well get used to the fact that I'm going to have to whore myself on the corner to get us out of the financial mess we are in. K, I'm kidding about the whoring myself thing. Well, I'm kidding for now. We'll see how this plumbing issue works out.
Husband and I have been trying to plan our baby shower. I keep telling him how important it is to me that it be a special occasion. See, not many (if any) of our milestones have been celebrated. We didn't have a real wedding, didn't have a honeymoon, no housewarming party when we bought our house, Husband's birthday wasn't really celebrated because we ere broke, my birthday wasn't celebrated because we moved the day after, our first anniversary was a disaster because it was so close to D Day... you get the idea! So I want it to be special. I want to celebrate our milestone and the expansion of our family. I keep telling DH that I don't care much about spending a ton on cutesy decorations and stuff. I'd like a simple BBQ with a cake trimmed in pink or blue since we'll know the sex by then. I want to gather all our friends together and enjoy the company and weather and all that jazz. Husband seriously asked where the beer pong table was going. I almost peed my pants in frustration. I don't think, and think many other people would agree, that baby showers and beer pong go together. I'm not trying to paint my husband as an immature frat guy because he certainly isn't but that's what beer pong makes people think! I told him why I didn't want beer pong and this and that and he says "Well, I'm just the father. I guess my opinion doesn't matter." What. The. Fuck. If he continues to be like this I don't even want a shower. Maybe I'm being bitchy but I don't care. And honestly, I don't think I'm being bitchy either.
Ok good, I don't have to become a hooker yet. The plumber is done and it was just a clog.
Lately I've been lashing out a lot. I know its because I feel very fragile and everytime one little thing goes wrong I snap. We've been bickering 1000000x more then we used to. The constant arguing is seriously grating on both of our nerves and its taking its toll mentally.
On Monday I went to marriage counseling. Alone. He couldn't get the day off. Some of the things the counselor said really made sense to me. Hopefully she'll be able to help us. This weekend we are going on a date which I think is very much needed. The last time we went out it was our wedding anniversary and it started ok but the end was a disaster. We need to get back on track if this is every going to work.
Speaking of, still no decisions on that end. The lawyer I saw was helpful and told me my rights. Some of it is good and some of it was bad but at least I know now what to expect should the marriage end.
At this point I don't want the marriage to end. Of course if you ask me in five minutes I might change my mind. All I know is that I'm trying my absolute best. I hope he is too but sometimes I have to wonder.
I want to feel appreciated and valued. I want to feel like # 1 occasionally. I don't think these things are too much for a wife to ask her husband. I need my needs met. These are all things we've been talking about. Some of the most difficult conversations of my life have happened recently. I wish things were easier but I keep trying to tell myself that you have to feel the lows to recognize the highs in a marriage. Maybe I'm a fool but at least I'll know what true commitment feels like.
No matter there is a beautiful, sweet baby growing inside me and I'll always have him or her and the memory of his/her creation.
Husband and I have been trying to plan our baby shower. I keep telling him how important it is to me that it be a special occasion. See, not many (if any) of our milestones have been celebrated. We didn't have a real wedding, didn't have a honeymoon, no housewarming party when we bought our house, Husband's birthday wasn't really celebrated because we ere broke, my birthday wasn't celebrated because we moved the day after, our first anniversary was a disaster because it was so close to D Day... you get the idea! So I want it to be special. I want to celebrate our milestone and the expansion of our family. I keep telling DH that I don't care much about spending a ton on cutesy decorations and stuff. I'd like a simple BBQ with a cake trimmed in pink or blue since we'll know the sex by then. I want to gather all our friends together and enjoy the company and weather and all that jazz. Husband seriously asked where the beer pong table was going. I almost peed my pants in frustration. I don't think, and think many other people would agree, that baby showers and beer pong go together. I'm not trying to paint my husband as an immature frat guy because he certainly isn't but that's what beer pong makes people think! I told him why I didn't want beer pong and this and that and he says "Well, I'm just the father. I guess my opinion doesn't matter." What. The. Fuck. If he continues to be like this I don't even want a shower. Maybe I'm being bitchy but I don't care. And honestly, I don't think I'm being bitchy either.
Ok good, I don't have to become a hooker yet. The plumber is done and it was just a clog.
Lately I've been lashing out a lot. I know its because I feel very fragile and everytime one little thing goes wrong I snap. We've been bickering 1000000x more then we used to. The constant arguing is seriously grating on both of our nerves and its taking its toll mentally.
On Monday I went to marriage counseling. Alone. He couldn't get the day off. Some of the things the counselor said really made sense to me. Hopefully she'll be able to help us. This weekend we are going on a date which I think is very much needed. The last time we went out it was our wedding anniversary and it started ok but the end was a disaster. We need to get back on track if this is every going to work.
Speaking of, still no decisions on that end. The lawyer I saw was helpful and told me my rights. Some of it is good and some of it was bad but at least I know now what to expect should the marriage end.
At this point I don't want the marriage to end. Of course if you ask me in five minutes I might change my mind. All I know is that I'm trying my absolute best. I hope he is too but sometimes I have to wonder.
I want to feel appreciated and valued. I want to feel like # 1 occasionally. I don't think these things are too much for a wife to ask her husband. I need my needs met. These are all things we've been talking about. Some of the most difficult conversations of my life have happened recently. I wish things were easier but I keep trying to tell myself that you have to feel the lows to recognize the highs in a marriage. Maybe I'm a fool but at least I'll know what true commitment feels like.
No matter there is a beautiful, sweet baby growing inside me and I'll always have him or her and the memory of his/her creation.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Make it or break it
We had one of those make it or break it conversations Thursday night. I laid it out on the table and flat out said I wouldn't stick around if anything even remotely shady every happened again and if he didn't shape up quick-style that I'd leave and he could fight for joint custody in court. I asked him the questions all over again about what did and didn't happen and where he was. He was remorseful. He apologized. He cried. He told me how guilty he's been feeling. As much as I believe him, I also don't. Maybe that's because I'm hormonal or bitter but I want to believe him. In fact, I really want to believe in him again. I told him to man up, own up, and stop being a shitty husband. Me telling him he's been being a shitty husband really struck a nerve with him. I could see in his eyes that something sunk in. Maybe that's a good thing...honestly, I don't even know anymore.
I like to think I'm a forgiving person. I like to think that our marriage is strong enough to get through anything and that ultimately love conquers all. Does it?
Monday afternoon I have a meeting with a lawyer to discuss my rights to our property and stuff just in case. Seriously, its just in case. Knowledge is power and I'm not going to take this situation lightly. I also have to ask some questions about child custody and if I'll be able to take our child to another state or if I'll be stuck here forever. I feel a little guilty about going... like I'm giving or something but that isn't the case. I'm not giving up...I'm empowering myself.
Still sometimes its so hard not to physically hurt him. Or even emotionally hurt him. Being vindictive is something I contend with in general and in this situation not taking revenge is one of the hardest parts.
Its also been hard because I don't feel like I have any type of release. I can't or haven't been able to really kick back and I'm wound tighter than a spring. Usually I'd go get drinks and go dancing with girlfriends but since I don't really have friends here and can't drink that isn't going to happen. I honestly don't know how to release the anger and it scares me sometimes.
I like to think I'm a forgiving person. I like to think that our marriage is strong enough to get through anything and that ultimately love conquers all. Does it?
Monday afternoon I have a meeting with a lawyer to discuss my rights to our property and stuff just in case. Seriously, its just in case. Knowledge is power and I'm not going to take this situation lightly. I also have to ask some questions about child custody and if I'll be able to take our child to another state or if I'll be stuck here forever. I feel a little guilty about going... like I'm giving or something but that isn't the case. I'm not giving up...I'm empowering myself.
Still sometimes its so hard not to physically hurt him. Or even emotionally hurt him. Being vindictive is something I contend with in general and in this situation not taking revenge is one of the hardest parts.
Its also been hard because I don't feel like I have any type of release. I can't or haven't been able to really kick back and I'm wound tighter than a spring. Usually I'd go get drinks and go dancing with girlfriends but since I don't really have friends here and can't drink that isn't going to happen. I honestly don't know how to release the anger and it scares me sometimes.
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