We had one of those make it or break it conversations Thursday night. I laid it out on the table and flat out said I wouldn't stick around if anything even remotely shady every happened again and if he didn't shape up quick-style that I'd leave and he could fight for joint custody in court. I asked him the questions all over again about what did and didn't happen and where he was. He was remorseful. He apologized. He cried. He told me how guilty he's been feeling. As much as I believe him, I also don't. Maybe that's because I'm hormonal or bitter but I want to believe him. In fact, I really want to believe in him again. I told him to man up, own up, and stop being a shitty husband. Me telling him he's been being a shitty husband really struck a nerve with him. I could see in his eyes that something sunk in. Maybe that's a good thing...honestly, I don't even know anymore.
I like to think I'm a forgiving person. I like to think that our marriage is strong enough to get through anything and that ultimately love conquers all. Does it?
Monday afternoon I have a meeting with a lawyer to discuss my rights to our property and stuff just in case. Seriously, its just in case. Knowledge is power and I'm not going to take this situation lightly. I also have to ask some questions about child custody and if I'll be able to take our child to another state or if I'll be stuck here forever. I feel a little guilty about going... like I'm giving or something but that isn't the case. I'm not giving up...I'm empowering myself.
Still sometimes its so hard not to physically hurt him. Or even emotionally hurt him. Being vindictive is something I contend with in general and in this situation not taking revenge is one of the hardest parts.
Its also been hard because I don't feel like I have any type of release. I can't or haven't been able to really kick back and I'm wound tighter than a spring. Usually I'd go get drinks and go dancing with girlfriends but since I don't really have friends here and can't drink that isn't going to happen. I honestly don't know how to release the anger and it scares me sometimes.
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I've been where you are. I found out about my husband's "emotional" affair just a few weeks before he deployed. Its hard to get through but it can happen. Good luck with it. And talking to someone is a good idea, nothing wrong with having information.
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