Good lord. What next?

So the plumber is in my laundry room using some huge snake thing to get at the clog in the drain pipe from my washing machine. He's muttering and cursing and there's water everywhere and I'm hoping it isn't more then a clog. At this point nothing would surprise me and I might as well get used to the fact that I'm going to have to whore myself on the corner to get us out of the financial mess we are in. K, I'm kidding about the whoring myself thing. Well, I'm kidding for now. We'll see how this plumbing issue works out.

Husband and I have been trying to plan our baby shower. I keep telling him how important it is to me that it be a special occasion. See, not many (if any) of our milestones have been celebrated. We didn't have a real wedding, didn't have a honeymoon, no housewarming party when we bought our house, Husband's birthday wasn't really celebrated because we ere broke, my birthday wasn't celebrated because we moved the day after, our first anniversary was a disaster because it was so close to D Day... you get the idea! So I want it to be special. I want to celebrate our milestone and the expansion of our family. I keep telling DH that I don't care much about spending a ton on cutesy decorations and stuff. I'd like a simple BBQ with a cake trimmed in pink or blue since we'll know the sex by then. I want to gather all our friends together and enjoy the company and weather and all that jazz. Husband seriously asked where the beer pong table was going. I almost peed my pants in frustration. I don't think, and think many other people would agree, that baby showers and beer pong go together. I'm not trying to paint my husband as an immature frat guy because he certainly isn't but that's what beer pong makes people think! I told him why I didn't want beer pong and this and that and he says "Well, I'm just the father. I guess my opinion doesn't matter." What. The. Fuck. If he continues to be like this I don't even want a shower. Maybe I'm being bitchy but I don't care. And honestly, I don't think I'm being bitchy either.

Ok good, I don't have to become a hooker yet. The plumber is done and it was just a clog.

Lately I've been lashing out a lot. I know its because I feel very fragile and everytime one little thing goes wrong I snap. We've been bickering 1000000x more then we used to. The constant arguing is seriously grating on both of our nerves and its taking its toll mentally.

On Monday I went to marriage counseling. Alone. He couldn't get the day off. Some of the things the counselor said really made sense to me. Hopefully she'll be able to help us. This weekend we are going on a date which I think is very much needed. The last time we went out it was our wedding anniversary and it started ok but the end was a disaster. We need to get back on track if this is every going to work.

Speaking of, still no decisions on that end. The lawyer I saw was helpful and told me my rights. Some of it is good and some of it was bad but at least I know now what to expect should the marriage end.

At this point I don't want the marriage to end. Of course if you ask me in five minutes I might change my mind. All I know is that I'm trying my absolute best. I hope he is too but sometimes I have to wonder.

I want to feel appreciated and valued. I want to feel like # 1 occasionally. I don't think these things are too much for a wife to ask her husband. I need my needs met. These are all things we've been talking about. Some of the most difficult conversations of my life have happened recently. I wish things were easier but I keep trying to tell myself that you have to feel the lows to recognize the highs in a marriage. Maybe I'm a fool but at least I'll know what true commitment feels like.

No matter there is a beautiful, sweet baby growing inside me and I'll always have him or her and the memory of his/her creation.